How to Post a Job Opening

I am in charge of the job-posting to find my replacement at the company where I currently work. Here’s what I would actually post if I had the liberty to write what I wanted:

Wanted: Administrative Assistant for small company (2 employees) that has absolutely no growth potential. We are a small company that is likely to become obsolete in the next five years due to our incapacity for adapting to new technologies.

Responsibilities:

1. Answering phones
2. Finding boss’s glasses/keys/cell phone/special pen/lost 2 inch scrap of paper with important information
3. Taking customer orders/creating and managing invoices
4. Listening to boss’s personal problems and possibly assisting in resolving them
5. Teaching boss how to use Microsoft Word and the internet
6. Laughing at anecdotes that are not funny that you’ve possibly heard before

Requirements

• Knowledge of Microsoft Office and internet — specifically, knowing more than the boss. If you know where the bold key is, you know more than the boss.
• Incredible patience
• Motivation to do banal tasks
• A sense of humor
• The ability to watch someone chew food with their mouth open

How to apply for this job:

Please don’t apply for this job through my blog. There really is a position opening for an administrative assistant, but this is not the actual job posting. You’ll have to find it yourself. And to clarify, I felt it necessary to warn all those people with great resumes and lots of potential how menial this job feels, even though my boss is a very nice person.